Archive Monthly Archives: March 2015

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger,

Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

The Professor’s Jokes

The professor loved to start each lecture with a dirty joke. After a week of this, the female students got together and decided that next time, if this happened again, they would all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: “Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in Singapore?”

Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit.

The professor continued: “Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to Singapore doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there

He asks the lady,

‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

‘Do you have vagina’?

‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.

The man replies..

‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

Bet on a bullet

A man walks into a gun shop.

“I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle”

“sure” said the owner handing over a scope “if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house”

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says “sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?”

“cheating, bitch!” the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said “Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches’ head off and I’ll give you free bullets for the rest of your life”

The guy looks through the scope again and says “what do I get if I only use one shot?”

The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

Then the rectum said “I think I should be in charge.”

All the rest of the parts said “YOU? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”

Then the rectum said “I think I should be in charge.”

All the rest of the parts said “YOU? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.”

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

A pirate walks into bar and sits…

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he’s pouring it the bartender asks “So what’s the story with the leg?”

“Well it were many a year ago,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.”

“That’s terrible,” says the bartender. “What about the hand?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.”

“Wow,” says the bartender. “So what about the eye?”

“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!”

“Oh man,” says the bartender. “And that blinded you?”

“Well no,” says the pirate. “But it were me first day with the hook.”

Never trust little old Indian women

A little old Indian woman went into Republic National Bank with a sack full of money. She plopped it onto the desk of the Bank president as she had wrangled her way into his office. He was an Indian man.

“Where did you get money like this?” he asked her.

“Well, you see.” She answered him. “I make bets.”

“Bets?” He wanted to know.

“Yes.” She replied. “For instance, I’ll bet you 25,000. you are not brown all over. I bet that under your shorts you are white.”

“The Indian president of the Bank told her, "Well, I will take that bet.” “I am brown all over.”

“Okay,” the wily old lady agreed. “However, tomorrow when we close the bet, I want my attorney with me. He is Indian too.

"Okay! Okay.” The president of the bank was agreeable.

When he went home though he double checked to see if he was brown all over. After all 25,000. was at stake.

The next day when the little old Indian lady came in with her attorney, the president was ready for her.

The little old Indian woman told him. “I am not going to take your word for it. I want to see if you are brown all over.”

The president thought for a moment and decided since it was, after all, 25,000 he would, indeed, drop his pants to show the little old Indian woman he was brown all over, which he did. He looked over at the Indian attorney who was banging his head against the wall.

“Why is he doing that?” The president asked.

The little old Indian woman answered, “Because I bet him 165,000 that the President of the Republic National Bank would drop his pants for me.

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