…. And orders a drink. As the bartender is getting it for him, he notices a jar of ten dollar bills on the counter.
“What are those for?” He asks.
“We have a competition running.” Replies the bartender. “You put ten dollars in the jar and I give you three tasks. If you complete the tasks, you get the whole jar, which is valued at approximately $10,000.”
“What are the tasks?” Asks the man.
“Doesn’t work like that. You have to put the money in first.” Says the bartender.
The man shrugs and puts the money in. “Alright, what are the tasks?”
“First, you have to scull a quart of tequila in under a minute. Secondly, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a rotten tooth, you have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. And lastly, there’s an ninety year old woman upstairs who’s never had sex, you have to rectify that.”
“Stuff that!” Exclaims the man. “Just give me my drink.”
An hour or so later, the man is incredibly drunk. “Alright!” He slurs “Gimme my tequila!” He sculls it in 58 seconds.
He then gets up from his seat, cracks his neck and walks out the back door, slamming it behind him.
The bar is quiet as the sounds of a terrible commotion come from under the door; barking, yelling, tearing until suddenly, silence.
The door bursts open as the man stumbles in. He’s covered in sweat, has a chunk of flush missing from his shoulder and his clothes are in tatters,
“Right!” He calls out “Time to take care of that old lady with the rotten tooth!”
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her annoyance, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large man standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The man smiled and said, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.”
Two Newfies, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.
Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’
Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’
The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’
‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’
‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’
‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’
‘Yes, I do have a house.’
‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’
‘Yes, I have a family.
‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’
‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
‘Logic? ’ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’
Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’
‘Then you’re a fag’