A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
1. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.
2. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
3. Walk into people’s offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying ‘No sign of him yet, Chief.’
4. When the phone rings, answer by saying ‘KBBL, you’re on the air.’
5. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.
6. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people’s desk drawers. Ask them if they’ve seen your pills.
7. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
8. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.
9. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.
10. Tape the entrance to your neighbors cubical door closed and fill it with styrofoam packing.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.
“Can you give me a push?” he asks while hanging onto the door frame.
“Not a chance” says the husband – “It’s 3 o’clock in the morning!”. He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife.
“Just some drunk wanting a push” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I didn’t – it’s three in the morning and raining like crazy out.”
“Well, you have a short memory” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him.”
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes the answer.
“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” the drunk replies.