So a black man and his wife were invited to a halloween costume party. The man being a very busy person when it came to work tells his wife “Look I need you to buy me a costume for the party since I’m busy with work.” She agrees and he goes off to work as usual.
He comes home that night and laying out on his bed is a superman costume. He looks over at his wife and says “I can’t wear this, I mean seriously? Have you ever seen a black superman?” She nods and apologizes and says she’ll get him a different costume.
The next night he comes home and on his bed is a Batman costume. He puts his palm in his face and says “Really honey? You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you ever seen a black batman? Take this shit back and get me a different costume.” She grits her teeth a little, but agrees.
The next night, he comes home and laying out on his bed are three white plates, a big white belt, and a 2×4 of lumber. He looks down at these random objects and asks his wife “What the hell are these supposed to be?” She smirks and says “Well, you didn’t like batman or superman because they weren’t black, so I figured you could wear those three white plates, and you could go to the party as a domino. If you don’t like that, you can wear that big white belt, and you can go as an oreo. If you still don’t like that, you can take that 2×4 and shove it up your ass, and you can go as a fudgecicle!”
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied,’The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood’
Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers’ tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says “Ticket please!” The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don’t buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers’ bathroom, and says “Ticket please!”
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.’”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”
Billy-Bob and Jimmy are standing at the base of a flag-pole, looking up and scratching their heads, when a beautiful blonde woman walks by and inquires about their purpose. “We’ve been hired to find out the height of this here flag-pole, such that we might fit it properly with the flag of this great nation.” Billy-Bob replied, “But we just don’t have a ladder!” The blonde looks up, turns around and walks off, only to return moments later with a screw-driver and measuring tape. The blonde proceeds to unscrew the flagpole from the base, lay it on its side, measure it, and return the pole back to its upright position. The blonde smiles at Billy-Bob and Jimmy, exclaiming happily: “That flagpole is exactly 15 feet long!” She turns and continues on her way, happy with her effort and goodwill. Billy-Bob turns to Jimmy, shaking his head at their wasted time. “Isn’t that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”
…where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent. “You smell that?” tom asked. Bob replied, “the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!” they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said “it’s cool, follow my lead!” he puts on shades and is stopped at the door “no dogs allowed sir!” tom insisted “oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in” “it is? But that’s a dachshund !”
“Yes they’re using them now because of their amazing sense of smell”
“Very well come in.” bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering
“No dogs allowed sir!” the waiter heckled.
“Oh please forgive me, it’s my seeing eye dog” bob apologized.
“A chihuahua?!!!” the waiter shouted
“what??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!”
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly!” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, “I just need one more copy.”
…are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’
The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’
The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’
The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’