Archive Monthly Archives: May 2012

And that’s how the fight started.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started. ________________________________

My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’ So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s how the fight started.

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s how the fight started. _______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And that’s how the fight started.

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And that’s how the fight started. ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started.

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I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’ That’s how the fight started.

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And that’s how the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’ And that’s how the fight started. ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” And that’s how the fight started.

A Jew and an anti-Semite at the bar…

A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.” Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says ‘Thank You’ in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear. This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.” So the guy asks the barman, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. Is he nuts?” “Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns this place.”

A young monk arrives at a monastery…

and is assigned to be a scribe. While patiently copying his first text, he notices that all the scribes are copying from copies, not the original texts. He tells this to the head monk, and he replies “My son, we have been doing this for generations. The original texts are kept safe in the basement. If you wish to see them yourself, you have my permission.”
So, the eager young monk decides to see the original texts himself. However, after he disappears into the dark basement, he is not seen for hours and hours. Finally, the head monk decides to go down to see what’s going on. By the dim light of a single candle, he sees the young monk stooped over an ancient tome, sobbing uncontrollably. When the head monk asks what’s the matter, the young monk turns around and whimpers: “It said celebrate! Celebrate!”

Be strong honey.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.“ To which his wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan…

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice.” So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. “Of the three, this one looks best,” he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, “Ok, coffee break’s over, back on your heads!”

Volunteer fire department

So a farmer purchased a huge plot of land for his farm. Within less then a week an enormous fire breaks out and rages through the field. The fire department arrives almost immedeately and tries everything but the fire is too hot and too strong, keeping them from getting near the largest parts of the fire. As backup, they call in the volunteer fire department and within a few minutes they arrive on their rickety, rusted fire truck that looks decades old. To the fire department’s surprise, the volunteer fire department drives straight through the perimeter of the fire and directly INTO the blazing center. Immediately they jump out of the truck and begin spraying water in all directions which separates the large fire into to smaller ones, which are easily put out. The farmer is overjoyed at having his land and crops saved, and writes the volunteer fire department a check for 10 thousand dollars for their bravery. When he hands them the check and commends their heroism, they reply “Great, This should be more than enough to fix the breaks on our truck!”

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian

are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman replies with, “Clearly they’re English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit.” The Russian then notes, “They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise.”

There were three friends.

There were three friends – a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.

The lawyer says, “It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues.”

The doctor remarks: “It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life.”

The manager differs by saying: “I don’t agree with both of you. I think it’s best to have both. So when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife – you can go to the office and finish some work.”

One last kiss

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

One of the bikers gets off his bike and says to the woman, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

Taking advantage of the situation, the man says, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Holy Shit! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”.

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