Archive Monthly Archives: November 2011

Saying the Right Thing

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you aid, "Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”.

Hypnotist Error

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.”

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Shit” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Fast Divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.”

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

“I want the house,” he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, “I want the car, too,” but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she’s up to ninety mph. “All right,” he says, “I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.”

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.”

“Oh, really,” he says, “so what have you got?”

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, “ The airbag.”

Learning Each Other

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, But we don’t know anything about each other.

He said, That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

Helpdesk Queries

Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note …
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry ….

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it

Woman Will Always Be

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars,

The woman says,
“So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,
“I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! ”

The woman continued,
“And look at this, here’s another miracle…. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police”

Illnesses

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,“Ewww
– what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked. “No, tolio. The disease only
affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose. “What’s wrong with your knees?”
she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess… Smallcox?”

Reproducing Bull

A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband: “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison… The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: “Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!”

Labour Pills

Once a woman was in labour; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, “I don’t feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.” So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing.

By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, “Take another pill. This isn’t hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.” So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Kids Seem To Like Her

After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither, Doctor” Said the husband. “But she’s a good cook and the kids seem to like her.”

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