a.. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I
would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we
were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” — Miss Alabama in
the 1994 Miss USA contest
b.. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not
with all those flies and death and stuff.” — Mariah Carey
c.. “Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.” — Matt
Lauer on NBC’s Today Show, August 22
d.. “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law.” — David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
e.. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of
your life.” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
f.. “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” —
Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
g.. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country.” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
h.. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” — Jason Kidd,
upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
i.. “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president.” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
j.. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” — Former French
President Charles De Gaulle
k.. “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I’m just the one to do it.” — A Congressional Candidate in Texas
l.. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Former U.S.
Vice-President Dan Quayle
m.. “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind.” — General William Westmoreland
And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle:
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford
one, so, I’m wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people who avoided me just didn’t like me.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
on beer cans, and men should put pictures of their missing wives up at the
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call
it “Pumping Rust.”
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease: That’s when your
chest is falling into your drawers!
I’ve come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking
like Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes to stay that
way! It’s eating chocolate, staying chunky and explain that you’re really
a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn’t get
I know, when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh,
have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for Visitor’s!”
Employment application blanks always ask ‘who is to be notified in
case of an emergency’ I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”
Why is it that every time I lose weight it finds me again?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do – write to these men? Why don’t they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking
Just once, when someone says “How are you?” (without really wanting
to know), I’d like to say “Well, I can’t keep my teeth in, I pee on myself
every time I laugh, my hair is falling out, I cannot see where the heck
I’m going most of the time, my back hurts and I pass gas every time I sneeze
(and feel like sneezing right now)! I’ll bet that’d cure ’em from asking
a.. Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”
b.. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “do over!”
c.. “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
d.. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in “Monopoly.”
e.. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
f.. It wasn’t odd to have two or three “best friends.”
g.. Being old referred to anyone over 20.
h.. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball
and rules didn’t matter.
i.. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
j.. It was magic when dad would “remove” his thumb.
k.. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn’t an Olympic event
l.. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
m.. Nobody was prettier than Mom.
n.. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
o.. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the “big people”
rides at the amusement park.
p.. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
q.. Abilities were discovered because of a “double-dog-dare.”
r.. Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute ads for action figures.
s.. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
t.. “Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense.
u.. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
v.. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
w.. War was a card game.
x.. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
y.. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
z.. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
aa.. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
ab.. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest