Archive Monthly Archives: May 2011

My precious dog…………….

Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes?

Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearin?g

Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady started crying…..

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!

Ad In The Paper

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. A woman on the other end asked, “How much do funeral notices cost?”

“$5.00 per word, Ma’am,” came the response.

“Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“OK, write this: ‘Fred dead.’”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am; I forgot to tell you there’s a five-word minimum.”

“Hmmph,” came the reply, “You certainly did forget to tell me that.” A moment of silence. “Got your pencil and paper?”
Yes, Ma’am.“

"OK, print this: ‘Fred dead, Cadillac for sale.’ ”

Kids Say The Funniest Things…

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

1. The future of “I give” is “I take.”

2. The parts of speech are lungs and air.

3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

4. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

5. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

6. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

7. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

8. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

9. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

10. The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

11. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

12. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

13. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

I’m My Own Grandpa

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife. To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy. I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother to the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son. My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she’s my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

Health Professionals in Heaven

Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.

“What did you used to do back on Earth?” he asked the first nurse. “Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?”

She told him, “I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children.”

“Very noble. You may enter.” And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.

“I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God’s love.” The second nurse replied.

“Excellent!” said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
She hesitated, then explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.”

St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, “Well, you can enter, too.”

“Wow!” the nurse exclaimed in relief. “I almost thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can certainly come in,” St. Peter told her, “but you can only stay for three days.”

Gifts for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word “ratchet” or “socket” on it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are “earthy.”

Rule #7:
Buy men label-makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tyre. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook, although they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why, please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #13:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well travelled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicised guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o’clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

Dark Suckers

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can’t handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it’s not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Online Banking

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I’m not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

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