Archive Monthly Archives: October 2010

A farmer

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great… he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I’ll just let him ask and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: “Well, son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad:

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

Anger management really does work.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, ‘Hello.’

I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right fucking number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled, ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ‘For Sale ’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’

He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’

He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’

He said, ‘Yes?’

I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea…

I called asshole #1.

He said, ‘Hello’

I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

I said, ‘Yeah!’

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’

I said, ‘Make me.’

He asked, ‘Who are you?’

I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

He said, ‘Hello?’

I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

I said, ‘You’ll what?’

He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’

I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Anger Management does work

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, ‘Hello.’

I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right fucking number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, ‘You’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an asshole!’

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled, ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ‘For Sale ’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’

He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’

He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’

He said, ‘Yes?’

I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea…

I called asshole #1.

He said, ‘Hello’

I said, ‘You’re an asshole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

I said, ‘Yeah!’

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’

I said, ‘Make me.’

He asked, ‘Who are you?’

I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

He said, ‘Hello?’

I said, ‘Hello, asshole,’

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

I said, ‘You’ll what?’

He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’

I answered, ‘Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Spanish Etiquette

Philip the Third was gravely seated by the fireside: the fire-maker of the court had kindled so great a quantity of wood, that the monarch was nearly suffocated with heat, and his grandeur would not suffer him to rise from the chair; the domestics could not presume to enter the apartment, because it was against the etiquette. At length the Marquis de Potat appeared, and king ordered him to damp the fires; but he excused himself; alleging that he was forbidden by the etiquette to perform such a function, for which the Duke D’Usseda ought to be called upon, as it was his business. The duke was gone out; the fire burnt fiercer; and the king endured it, rather than derogate from his dignity. But his blood was heated to such a degree, that erysipelas of the head appeared the next day, which, succeeded by a violent fever, carried him off in 1625, in the twenty-fourth year of his age.

– Isaac Disraeli, Curiosities of Literature, 1824

William Shepard Walsh tells of “two Englishmen who, after being shipwrecked on a desert island, refuse to speak to each other because they have not been introduced.”

Dating ‘thanks to anonymous’

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “But my mother isn’t expecting a blow job tonight either!”

I said “Enjoy….”

To Be Republican, You Need To Believe…

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s Daddy made war on him , a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a ‘we can’t find Bin Laden’ diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq .

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO’s and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which tens of thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet .

13. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

14. You support ‘Executive Privilege’ for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

15. Support hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

10 Thoughts of 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky … Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where the terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

Women’s Institute National Conference

The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham , stood and said
‘During last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb’ (the crowd cheered).

The second speaker from York , stood up and said
‘After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well’ (the crowd again cheered).

The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said
‘Afta last yee-ah’s confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad Geordie of mine,that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his foud and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell’ (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes)
She continued…..’Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit oota me left eye’.

The Sh*t List

The Ghost Sh*t
The kind where you feel sh*t come out, see sh*t on the toilet paper, but there’s no sh*t in the bowl.

The Clean Sh*t
The kind where you feel sh*t come out, see sh*t in the bowl, but there’s no sh*t on the toilet paper.

The Wet Sh*t
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Second Wave Sh*t
This sh*t happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to sh*t some more.

The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Sh*t
Also known as “Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Sh*t”. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Corn Sh*t
No explanation necessary.

The Lincoln Log Sh*t
The kind of sh*t that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Notorius Drinker Sh*t
The kind of sh*t you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could Sh*t” Sh*t
The kind where you want to sh*t, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

The Wet Cheeks Sh*t
Also known as the “Power Dump”. That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

The Liquid Sh*t
That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

The Mexican Food Sh*t
It smells so bad you can even feel the spicy on your nose.

The Crowd Pleaser
This sh*t is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Mood Enhancer
This sh*t occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This sh*t occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Guinness Book Of Records Sh*t
A sh*t so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

The Aftershock Sh*t
This sh*t has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.

The “Honeymoon’s Over” Sh*t
This is any sh*t created in the presence of another person.

The Groaner
A sh*t so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this sh*t has been known to resurface after many flushings.

The Ranger
A sh*t which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Phantom Sh*t
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

The Peek-A-Boo Sh*t
Now you see it, now you don’t. This sh*t is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

The Bombshell
A sh*t that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to sh*t (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

The Snake Charmer
A long skinny sh*t which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.

The Olympic Sh*t
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Sh*t.

The Back-To-Nature Sh*t
This sh*t may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Sh*t
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can’t sh*t.

Premeditated Sh*t
Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

Shitzopherenia
Fear of sh*tting – can be fatal!

Energizer Vs. Duracell Sh*t
Also known as a “Still Going” sh*t.

The Power Dump Sh*t
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.

The Liquid Plumber Sh*t
This kind of sh*t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Sh*t.)

The Spinal Tap Sh*t
The kind of sh*t that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Sh*t
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Sh*ts. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

The Porridge Sh*t
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Sh*t
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

The “I Think I’m Turning Into A Bunny” Sh*t
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

The “What The Hell Died In Here?” Sh*t
Also sometimes referred to as “The Toxic Dump”. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The “I Just Know There’s A Turd Still Dangling There” Sh*t
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

Suprise Sh*t
You think you’re going to fart, but when you notice it… it’s allready too late.

How To Clean The Toilet

Instructions for cleaning a toilet :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power-wash’ and rinse’.

6. Have someone open th e front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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