Archive Monthly Archives: September 2010

Guy // bar

So this guy walks in to a bar right, and he’s totally wasted.
Then 10 minutes later, a beautiful lady walks in and sits besides him.
“10 minutes later?” She asks, “I just fucking got here!”

Robot bartender.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar.

As he sat down the robot asked “what will you have?”.

The man answered “a martini, please”

The robot made the best martini the man ever had, then the robot asked “What is your IQ?”.

The man answered “Oh, about 165”.

The robot started to discuss about the latest medical breakthroughs, the current administration, Newton’s law, etc.

The man was very impressed, so after he finished he’s martini, he came back to the bar and sat down again.

The robot asked “what will you have?”.

The man had a martini.

The robot of course asked “What is your IQ?”

The man said “i think its 100” this time.

Therefore the robot discussed about the new Toy Story movie, and the latest baseball match.

The man wanted to try it ones more, so when the robot asked “What is your IQ?” the man answered “50”

The robot leaned towards the man and slowly said:

“D-o

y-o-u

l-i-k-e

t-h-e

W-o-r-d-P-r-e-s-s

t-o-o-?

What would you have done differently if you were Jesus who was God who was the creator of everything?

[These were the answers collected for this question][Hint: read the last 2]

If I was Jesus, who was God who was the creator of everything, I would have done things differently.

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If I had special magic powers to create the universe with I would have made it so gravity gently placed objects back on the earth so no one could get injured or die from falling. I would have made mountains by simply magically making mountains, instead of magically making plate tectonics to make mountings, so there would not be devastating earthquakes like Haiti’s. I would have made volcanos spew out flowers instead of molten lava so entire civilizations would not be wiped out like Pompeii.

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If I had special magic powers to create humans with I would not have ran the nerve endings through the middle of the eye so humans would not have a blind spot. I would not have made DNA in such a sloppy manner to avoid many side affects like cancer. I would have given humans separate pipes for air and food, like I did for dolphins, so they would not be able to choke to death on food. I would have made humans with a spinal column that was actually intended for weight-bearing and walking upright so people would not have to suffer from back pain. I would have used my wisdom to realize that there is not room for wisdom teeth in the jaw of humans. I would also have distributed people of various ethnicities evenly throughout the world, instead of segregating each race of man, so they wouldn’t have become frightened and confused when they finally encountered each other.

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If I had the ability to save all of humanity from a place called Hell by sacrificing myself I would gladly do it without demanding that people worship me for it. I would be willing to die for all of humanity even if I was going to in fact die and not simply relocate to a magical kingdom in the sky after three days of soliciting in the center of the earth. If I had the magical powers of a creator I would not have created Hell to start with.

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If I had magical powers and wanted to make myself known to all of humanity I would have not visited just a tiny desert community by the Mediterranean Sea. If I had magical powers and wanted to create the most important book ever I would have taken the time instantly and magically write it myself instead of relying on various “prophets” over a period of 1,600 years when a countless amount of people were claiming to be prophets for various other gods. If I didn’t feel like magically making copies of my book I would at least magically make a Kinko’s so man would not have to rely on copies of copies made by hand. If I were to have such a book created I would not have it contain stories endorsing slavery, supporting rape, or out casting any group of people based on who they love. If I were to create a top ten list of most important rules in this book I would not put worshiping me and only on that list, instead I would have save the number one spot for “Only do what causes the least amount of harm to others.”

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Do you want us to answer that question?
Cause my answer is testicles. I would have surrounded them with iron (ok, maybe bone?) so that they wouldn’t have to be so sensitive. or, I’d make it so sperm doesn’t die at body temperature, then i …could keep those testicles nice and safe inside the body. I think that’s the biggest flaw with the (male) body.

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Hell, I would have made sperm taste like chocolate…!

Teaching

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.

Teacher: Here is a math problem. If your dad earned $300 dollars a week and he gave your mother half, what should he have?
Student: A heart attack.

Teacher: This essay on your dog is, word for word, the same as your brother’s.
Student: Yes, sir, it is the same dog.

Isn’t the principal a dummy!

“Isn’t the principal a dummy!” said a boy to a girl.
“Well, do you know who I am?” asked the girl.
“No.” replied the boy.
“I’m the principal’s daughter.” said the girl.
“And do you know who I am?” asked the boy.
“No,” she replied.
“Thank goodness!” said the boy with a sign of relief.

The teacher

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

The sign

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

large pile of apples

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

A little girl

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

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