Archive Monthly Archives: August 2010

Two factory workers are talking.

Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb.
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you going?
The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.

Cakes and Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

“Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.”

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Virginity rates among students by major

Cool chart that shows the virginity rates among students at Wellesley College according to the student’s major.

Some things particularly interesting:

  • 0% of students with ‘studio arts’ major are virgins
  • Virginity rates for Spanish major (43%) is much lower than virginity rates for English and French majors (50%)
  • There is evidence that geeks get laid the least in college. Check out the rates for Biology, Chemistry and Mathematics.

Source: Counterpoint magazine at Wellesley College

You Brits Are Gonna Love This !

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.

You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ’-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ’-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’). I will also arange alphabet lessons so you understand that O is not a number and therefore does not replace ZERO – a number.

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.

Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football.

There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

A Scientific Approach To..

Understanding My Girlfriend’s Role in the Overall Degradation of My Life’s Quality.

I would like to educate people as to why my life no longer has that special feeling to it. I’m talking about the feeling that inspires me to succeed and live life to it’s fullest; the feeling that no words could ever describe—even though I just did it.

I would like to share what takes place in my relationship that is responsible for all this trouble: my girlfriend.

Everything you are about to read is a true complaint I have filed at one time or another with my girlfriend, except instead of just bitching about it, I’m going to explore it in a more scientific way.

Maybe one day, I can fully understand how Relationship Dynamics work, thus enabling me to forumlate ways to avoid all future problems. I will simply introduce each principle of Relationship Dynamics as I have discovered them, and then go into depth.

1. Principle of Decreasing Video Game Ability:
It’s a well known fact that girlfriends are excessively needy and insist on having 100% of your attention directed towards them at all times. Any sort of activity where the boyfriend has a chance to relax or relieve stress is strictly forbidden as it interferes with the girlfriend’s agenda (their agenda consisting of stress-filled conversations about life and how they’re depressed).

My girlfriend still lets me play video games, but her very presence hinders my ability to play well. In fact, the exact level of my decreasing ability can be modeled mathematically to an accurate degree.

The number of hours I spend with my girlfriend (t) has a direct-negative affect on my game playing abilities (a).

As you can see, for every hour I spend with my girlfriend, a portion of my total ability to kick ass drops until finally, at around 24 hours, my video game playing skills are gone. Video games, my only escape from a harsh day, and my girlfriend steals that one joy away from me.

2. Principle of Sleep Deprivation:
In order to be satisfied with my daily life, I need to get enough solid sleep during the night. You would think sleeping next to a warm girl would provide for a wonderful, deep slumber, wouldn’t you? Wrong!

A general principle of Relationship Dynamics prohibits such a peaceful slumber because interactions via simple forces and natural physics lead to a terrible night’s sleep.

The first rule of this principle is as follows:
Increasing proximity in bed means increasing sleep discomfort, which means a decrease in sleep quality. I will refer to this rule as the Proximity-Slant Rule. You see, when two people share one bed, they both create an indentation in the mattress directly proportional to their body weight.

As with most young adults, I’ve spent all my life sleeping by myself, in my own indentation which is a perfect, comfortable balance of my body weight. This is my natural resting state.

However, once the “girlfriend” enters the scene, everything changes for the worse as she throws off the balance of the bed which makes me uncomfortable. This whole situation wouldn’t actually be a problem if my girlfriend agreed to sleep on the opposite side of the bed from me, but NOOOOOO, she wants to be right next to me; needy bitch (look at the below diagram to see what I mean).

I’m not against sleeping with my girlfriend; I’m just against her sleeping right next to me, which ultimately throws off the delicate balance between comfort and discomfort (look at the below diagram to see what I mean).

Hopefully by now, you understand the Proximity-Slant Rule and it’s implications for a sleepless night, due to discomfort caused by an uneven balance in the way my body weight is shifted during sleep. This lack of uninterrupted sleep brings me to the next rule of this principle.

It’s a well known fact that in order for one to get a full night’s rest, the mind must go through many cycles of REM sleep which occurs every 1.5 hours. Because I’m so uncomfortable in bed with my girlfriend (as the Proximity-Slant Rule requires), I always wake up at least once an hour which makes reaching REM sleep an impossible objective.

The simple connection between my lack of REM sleep caused by the Proximity-Slant Rule is known as the Proximity-REM Deprivation Relationship. It’s an unavoidable consequence of an uncomfortable night’s sleep and always leaves me feeling like shit the following morning. Speaking of the following morning, there is one last aspect of the Principle of Sleep Deprivation which I feel obligated to explain.

I love to sleep-in on the weekends. I strive to stay in my bed until 1:00pm at the earliest, however this is extremely hard to do when YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THAT WAKES UP AT 8:00AM AND NEVER SHUTS THE FUCK UP. Who the hell does she think she is trying to impose her sleeping habits on me? If she wants to wake up at 8:00am, fine by me—just leave the bedroom, go into the kitchen and cook me up a feast that’ll be ready by early afternoon. Too bad that never happens.

Instead, every waking hour of hers is devoted to talking to me, poking me, and moving around on the bed, thus making sleep impossible. This type of girlfriend is known as the Wakusearliousannoyus, which is Latin for “annoying bitch in the morning.” I would highly suggest avoiding this type of girl at all costs; it’s just not worth it.

3. Principle of Food-Thievery:
Since women are typically obsessed with being “lady-like,” they are too afraid to eat big meals because that would make them look gluttonous. To work around this problem, women have devised a way to not only eat enough food to be satisfied, but not look gluttonous at the same time. This solution involves taking subtle bits from their boyfriend’s meal. Though a single bit might be stolen every few minutes, over the course of the meal, it accumulates to a substantial amount. That’s the genius of the whole solution!

If I were to complain and tell my girlfriend to “Get your own fucking food,” she’ll just respond with “It’s only a little bite, stop being so selfish!” This not only makes me look like the bad guy, but enables her to continue stealing my food without any shred of guilt (you have to hand it to women; their ability to successfully execute mind-games and manipulation is amazing). Women don’t think that this stealing of food is harmful, but I will prove them wrong:

I eat an average of 5 meals a week with my girlfriend. From each meal, she successfully steals on average 3 bites—I normally consume an average sized meal in 15 bites. When the math is calculated, it turns out that every week my girlfriend steals the equivalent of one meal from me. [(3/15 of each meal is stolen from me) x (5 meals a week w/ girlfriend) = 1 full meal.]

Now take that times 52 weeks in a year and we get 52 meals that I’ve been robbed of. Divide 52 by 3 (for 3 meals a day) and we get the equivalent of ‘17 days a year where I don’t eat!

Now for the really fun part: The average couple marries at around age 30, and let’s just say they live as a couple until 70 years old. That’s 40 years of being together. Now let’s apply these numbers to my situation to create a possible scenario: I’m with my partner for 40 years at a cost of 17 days/year not eating—that’s 680 days of not eating!!! That’s almost two full years of starvation. Wow.

So, women think that their little food habit stealing isn’t harmful? Think again you gluttonous, food stealing bitch. I love food, and taking away that much food away from me is a moral crime.

Conclusion:
After reviewing the facts, it’s very easy to understand why life with my current girlfriend is nothing short of what could be described as hell. I sit before you, writing this article, a broken, exhausted man. But I’m on a mission to learn more about Relationship Dynamics in the ultimate hope that one day I will understand enough to help myself and help others.

For all you men out there with girlfriends: May God have mercy on your soul!

Barbie Don’t Come Cheap !

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s how much?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, and one of Ken’s Friends…

The Retrosexual Code

The Code:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods).

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.

This falls under the “Dealing with IT” portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou little puss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie – and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can – or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it’s just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual man’s favorite movie isn’t “Maid in Manhattan” (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.” Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.etc.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted “you punks” look on his face.

.A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract – a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

Vets See What The Problem Is Here ?

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic.

As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

What?“ screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!”

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said “Bark.”

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.

As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, “Meow.” He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.

The dog’s owner went postal. “$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!”

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. “If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan…”

A Load Of Old Bulls

Mac and Billy visit Spain on holiday. Are having a great time and decide to go to the bullfight to take in some of the local entertainment. See a great exhibition of skill and mastery by the matador who slays the bull and leaves the arena to raptuous applause.

On the way out of the arena, they are feeling a bit peckish and decide to go to a local restaurant. Waiter brings the menu and tells them that their speciality is the “cojones del dia”. Mac asks what this is and the waiter says “Senor, it is the testicles of the bull slain today by the great matador in the arena, served on a bed of pilau rice- a speciality of our restaurant”. Mac decides to take this and when the plate comes, he is given a plate overflowing with rice and two massive balls of meat at least six inches wide. Mac tucks into the feast and has a really enjoyable meal.

The next day, they decide to go back to the restaurant again as Billy wants to try this great meal that his friend raved about all night.

The waiter again comes over and before he even gets a chance to discuss the menu, Billy is saying he wants the cojones.

Five minutes later, the waiter comes out with a saucer with a few straggly grains of rice and two small lumps only about one inch long. He looks puzzled and asks the waiter why the meal is so much smaller than his friend had last night and the waiter replies “ Sometimes senor the bull wins”

Nerd Priorities

A kid was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The kid took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the kid took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?”

The kid said, “Look, I`m a nerd. I don`t have time for a girlfriend …but a talking frog, now that`s cool!”

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