The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We’re being reassigned.
Marine 2: What? That’s great news! Maybe now we’ll finally see some action!
Marine 1: We’re being reassigned… to Master Chief’s unit.
Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.
Marine 1: I know.
Marine 2: Are… are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?
Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.
Marine 2: That bastard.
Marine 3 enters
Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We’re going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!
Marine 1: He doesn’t know.
Marine 2: Marine, have you ever met anyone from a Spartan Support Unit?
Marine 3: No! That’s what makes it so exciting!
Marine 1: Don’t you find that strange? There have been 253 of them.
Marine 2: That’s over a thousand men, Marine. All dead. Every. Last. One.
Marine 3: What? Come on, that’s crazy. How is that even possible?
Marine 1: How? That’s a good question to ask. How is it the UNSC always drops Master Chief off with a full complement of soldiers, but picks him up alone?
Marine 3: I… I don’t know.
Marine 1: Just look at these weapon records.
Marine 3: Let me see those. Assault rifles, battle rifles, snipers. Typical unit distribution. Looks like a pretty standard support outfit. So what?
Marine 1: That’s how they all start out, yeah. But then Master Chief goes around to them one by one. He takes only the best weapons for himself. He leaves his own men with nothing but plasma pistols to fight off the aliens.
Marine 3: Plasma pistols are pretty good!
Marine 1: (scoffs) He may as well have given them rocks to throw.
Marine 3: Look, that doesn’t mean anything. Master Chief needs to have the best weapons. He needs them to protect us.
Marine 2: Protect us? My cousin showed up to his unit in a tank, once. He’s driven tanks all his life, my cousin. Spent hundreds of hours in simulators and on the battlefield. No one’s a better tank pilot than he is. He was all excited just like you, but when he got there, Master Chief wanted to drive. My cousin refused. Do you know what Master Chief did to my cousin? He shot him a hundred-and-thirty-nine times in the face.
Marine 3: Jesus Christ! What did the others do?
Marine 2: Nothing. Master Chief is nine feet tall and made of titanium; all those men had were plasma pistols and rocks. They had to pretend like they hadn’t seen a thing. But then, when he got behind the wheel… his tank driving… it was so awful…
Marine 1: Have you ever seen an entire squad crushed by its own tank before? Master Chief hasn’t. He wasn’t even looking where he was going.
Marine 2: Like he didn’t even care.
Marine 3: How do you guys know all this?
Marine 1: Maybe you should try doing your own research, instead of just believing the cover stories.
Marine 2: Don’t you get it? He doesn’t protect us. He doesn’t even care if we live or die. It’s like some kind of game to him.
Marine 1: I once saw a video of him driving a jeep full of soldiers straight into an enemy base, once. No plan of attack, just drove right in.
Marine 3: No! But that’s suicide!
Marine 1: It sure was. No one survived. But Master Chief just reappeared five seconds later, about half a mile back along the beach.
Marine 3: He can’t die?
Marine 1: Who knows? But I think it’s clear that, if God does exist, He loves Master Chief and hates us.
Marine 3: Whatever, man. You guys are just trying to scare me.
Marine 1: How do you want to go, Marine? Better get your affairs in order.
Marine 2: I hope I go quietly. I don’t want to go like the 233rd did. All covered in sticky grenades.
Marine 3: Shut up! Shut up! We’re going to be fine! I’m calling my mom, and she’s going to be so proud of me. You guys are sick. Sick!
Marine 3 dials phone
Marine 3: Hello, Mom? Hi! Guess what? I’m going to fight alongside Master Chief! Awesome, huh? Mom? Mom, why are you crying?
Other Marines drop their gaze to the ground and shake their heads slowly
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,“Sorry,I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and
pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout “email”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,“dagnamit,
it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if
you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with
growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake
conversation with the words, “she can abort it for all I care”.
6. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As
in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. While a colleague is writing, grab their pen and throw it out of the nearest open window.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her f#cking appendix out!”
Speedometer = Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Bonnet = Pullnob und Knucklechopper
Windscreenwiper = Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
Puncture = Die Phlatt mit Bluddyfukken
Learner = Die Twatten mit Elplatz
Air Horns = Der Votderhellsdat Klaxonfanfaren
Petrol = Das Kostiljooze fuer Geddinzegreesoffendertrousers
Motor = Club Der Meetinhaus fuer Tallvagenstories
Low Bridge = Das Makinggrossenbussen ein Singledekken
Breathalyser = Die Puffintern fuer Pistenarsen
Headlights = Das Dippendontdazzlebastad
Highway Code = Der Wipan fuer Arsen
Foot Brake = Der Edbangenonvindschreen Stoppenquik
Near Accident = Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
Cyclist = Die Pedallpushink Pilloken
Traffic Jam = Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast
Tyres = Flattfahrts
Fog Warning = Der Puttenlegdown und Fukkit
Gear Lever = Biggensticken fuer Kangaroochoppen
Exhaust = Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Juggernaut = Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Backfire = Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom..
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound..
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates
and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Q. How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
A. To get to the other side.
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,” she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
PG-13: The bad guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy and the good guy get the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother and their cocker spaniel.